Hey lovely people.
So my last few months have been a roller coaster of crying and not understanding and beating myself up a lot.
2 weeks before Christmas I moved out of my house to my friends house. I wanted to do this as my house was becoming difficult to be in. Every where I looked I saw what my future was not going to be.
It was possible the best thing I did for myself. My husband and I are on good terms which is good.
And about a week ago something in me just snapped! I saw what everyone was saying, “IT WAS NOT ABOUT ME!” It was never about me. It was something that was done to me!
My psychologist also asked me one day, why do you feel you had a ideal relationship? And again something just clicked. Because I made it that way. I adapted to make it easier for him. I did what he liked, I let him make the decisions and slowly I stoped being myself and started making my identity him.
Iv started seeing him different now. There is the pain of what he did but now I am starting to look at him and see someone else. Someone I don’t truly trust or understand. I am starting to see a stranger. I think we will be friends and I think luckily enough we are young and this didn’t happen later in our lives.
This year is about me. I am just living each day one at a time.
And yesterday I went on my first date. I know early but all my friends were pushing it and saying it will be good just to get out and about. And boy did it feel nice to have a Hetro man look at you. I can now see what I didn’t see in my husband. And I think taking that terrifying leap and it was a horrible and scary experience was probably the best thing I have done for my self.
I am going to be ok! And this year is about me and my life and finding what I want to do with it.