16 December 2016

I’m not sure what life now has in store for us.

And I am terrified that it maybe a life without you.

I want you to be mine. I know this may not be possible any more. But I never thought you would not be on this journey with me.

How would I ever find someone compared to you. Your shoes will be a hard one to fill.

I look around this house and I see everything that I won’t be able to have. The life I’ll miss out on. The dreams that we had… gone.

Slowly I can feel myself heeling to the new ideas but it still hurts. I look at our fur babies and see our future children in there eyes. I see the future that we may not have staring back at me in those beautiful caring unjudging eyes.

I’m lying in bed starring at the coffet ceiling that we choose together. The room and bed that we should be going to sleep and waking up next to each other in.

Life is never fair. But I never thought that something out there didn’t want us to be together.

We are like the 2 sides of Velcro, the left and right sides of shoes, the sun to the moon, the night to the dark, the chocolate to your savoury.

I felt like our souls are supposed to be together. The ying and yang.

I still have hope and sometimes I wish it would go away. Because with hope there can still be the pain later.

I thought my life had begun but I feel like I’m going to have to let it crash and start back in the rubble again.

I want you to be who you are because I want you to be happy. You are such a beautiful person and I want you to be the person you should be.

But I also don’t want to not see you every day. See your smile, the back of your head, creepily sniffing you armpits because you smell like home and comfort.
Wake up to your sleeping face. Or your crazy sleep talking.

I’m hurting for a life that still maybe or will never happen. I’m hurting because it is another decision of mine that I will never have. I’m hurting because I feel like I finally found where I was supposed to be, but it’s not the truth. I’m hurting because a life without you seems extremely dull.
I’m hurting because I am not ready for this to be over.


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