18 February 2017

My feelings have been going up and down lately.

Empty…joy.

Sad…free.

Alone…content.

I’m sad because of the person I wasted my time on for 8 years.

I’m starting to see what a abusive relationship I had. Of what I lost from being so young.
In a time when I should of been discovering who I was. I was instead being manipulated into someone that was suited to a person.

And it makes me scared. I’m scared of Loving again. I’m scaring of losing who I am again. I haven’t really got back that person yet and my fear of that being taken away is blocking something that maybe good for me.

Iv been seeing someone for about 6 weeks now.

And I find it so hard to trust. I wonder why he is so nice to me. I’m scared he is playing me. I’m scared he’s not saying the truth. I am scared that I won’t be enough and he needs more than me.

But then I tell myself this is good for me now. He is teaching me so much about myself.
Making me feel beautiful, creating that confidence that I had lost. Teaching me how I should be treated. So what if it is temporary, so what if I am not the only one. He is right for the moment to teach me what a normal straight man is and how I should feel with him.

But it scares me. I feel so wonderful with him. I feel like I am so perfect. He never stops complementing me. Answers all my question honestly even if he thinks I won’t like the answer. Always makes a effort to see me.

But I still feel like he won’t commit and that this is temporary. I don’t want to tell him how I truely feel or open up incase it is just a moment.

My ex has ruined so much for me. My confidence, my life, my future, my trust, my love.

And still when I feel sad all I want to do is call him. And I fight that with all I have because he has the ability to get me feeling sad and not good enough in 5 minutes.

5 minutes and I unravel into that depressed girl I was for 8 years.

Well that’s what I thought I was. Depressed! But no I was abused by words. I was crushed and manipulated into thinking it was me that was broken.

It’s been 2.5months and I feel so free. But I have my sad moments. I have sad moments because of what he took from me, and from what I feel of him still taking from me.

I’m sad because I feel I can’t trust someone again.

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